........

u know what, my 11 years old niece has a blog too..
11? like,what is that?

the world today is so unexpected..
and her blog turn out to be quite impressive..
of course for a 11 years old , rite?

i pon x canggih macam die..
siap ade ikan2 la..glitter la..
whateva..

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mar xjadi pegi kelantan for aidiadha and so is seri...
quite dissapointing..
but what the hell, rite..
there's like trillion more years to come for us to celebrate it together..
someday..

so, i'm going back tomorrow..with my sister..
hopefully air dah surut..
let's hope..

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i really trying here to not make my blog as my diary or whateva..
i'm sure people would not want to know what, where, why you are doing everyday..
rite?

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owh.. i had a fight with my friend, bestfriend , sort of..
it's not like we really had a fight, but the situations is not so ... comfortable..
and it happen because of me and my bad mouth, and my typing fingers..
typing fingers? hahaha what is that?

so, i think a owe her a big giant apology..
the guilt is eating me ALIVE!

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for the second day of raya i'm considering whether to go to my friend's house, or to my sister's friend wedding at terengganu..hurmmm

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owh..owh...owh..
me and my soon to be ex-classmates are planning to go to some islands!!!!
goshhh...
kinda excited but, there are somethings that keeping me from going (with them)
they are kinda 'baik'
so if i go, i will have to wear something nice and baik too lahh..
like, no spaghetti, no hot pants, no swimming suites,no summer dresses ..
then what am i goin to wear?
track suite?
long sleves?
erkk..

really need to think bout this one!

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i miss my nieces so much..
sara, alya and baby..
aarrrrr...
i just love babies!
they are like sooooooo cute!

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can't wait to see the 'valentines day' movie screening february nexxt year!
the preview seems to be sooo yummy...
there are shepherd, sloan. jennifer garner, jessica alba, jamie fox, julia roberts, anne hathway(she's my fav).

like shepherd and sloan!!!!!!!!!!!
OMGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

haaa.... can't wait to seeeeee ittttttttttt.......

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nite, love yah..

muaxxx

i want it too..

my sister is getting married!

yeayyyy.....

next February..
i'm so excited!

wonder when my day will come..
hahah..

sweet memories

hi..

today i want to talk about my mom n my dad.

now if i see my friends with their mothers, i don't feel sad or lost because my mom died when i was 9..

i feel fine..
really

because i don't ,u know, show emotions or cry publicly..

private things like that, is to be keep just for myself..

it doesn't mean i don't love her..
it just that i forgot how it feels to have a mother..

i do love her of course..
but the impact was not as catastrophic as when my dad died..

i was CRUSHED..
everything fell apart..

i was so broken that i want to die with him..
seriously..

and my sister almost quit her study ..

it was three month before SPM comes..
that is why i didn't do so well back then..
because i lost the person who meant everything to me..

i'm kind a A straight student,
kind a.. u c..
i study so hard not because i loovee to study..
believe me i don't.
but because i want him to be proud of me..

because i love my dad..
soo much that me and my sisters devoted our life to him..

so, when he died, everything fell apart..
so broken inside i can't even tell..

i was planning to get straight A's for my SPM so that i will have the opportunity to further my study overseas,
cause i know that is what my father always wanted..
but when he's gone, that dream sound like so impossible..

until now, it still so hard for me to just remember him, without tears streaming down my face..

because he is my everything, my dad..

i can't stand people who does not appreciate or say something bad to their parents, that is just not right..

because i promise you people, when they are gone, you will regret every little bad things you once said to them, or did to them..

............................

i remember that night, 070197,
the night that my mother had her last breath..

i saw her in my dream, that night,
but i know it was not like a normal dream,
i know it is real..

i was sitting at the edge of the bed, holding some toy in my hands..
she's sitting beside me..
she said that 'na, mulai hari ni na kena jaga diri sendiri, sebab mak dah takde, mak dah meninggal'
and i said; takpe lah mak, mak meninggal hari ni, nanti esok mak datang lah balik'
and she said ' mak dah meninggal, mak takkan datang balik dah'

and when i look up to her, she was gone..
i cry so hard that my dad wakes me up..

and days after that i keep crying asking where my mom is..
and each time, my dad will start crying too..

one day i decided that i won't cry ever again. because it will just broke my dad's heart..
and it broke my heart to see him like that..

that is why i don't cry publicly..

..........................................................

when my dad spent his few last days lying on the hospital's bed, in coma,
i pray to God that if it is better for him to go,
HE better take him..
i will let go...
never in my whole life i prayed that,
cause he's been in ICU too many times..
when i got my UPSR's result, i whisper to him that i got 5A's
i whisper in his ear, because he was in coma,

and i studied at his hospital's bed when i'm taking PMR..

that was my rough days..
i'll go straight to hospital after school, everyday..

until the day he died.
.........................................

i'm sad..

now..
what am i doing with my life?
empty..
nothing..
sad huh?

where i always want to be

hujan renyai2..
aku lajukan kaki menuju ke kamu..
laju2 sampai jadi lari-lari anak..

sampai sampai tapak tangan aku sandarkan pada kulitmu..
seraya senyum semanis mungkin aku beri..
rindu sungguh,

aku sapu titis hujan di hujung rambut yang hampir mencucuk mata.
haaaaah..
nafas dihela panjang,
lega disampaikan,

hujan berhenti menyimbah bumi,sinar mentari nampak kembali,
perlahan punggung dilabuhkan,
kaki dilunjurkan,
kepala perlahan ku sandar ke kamu,

suria sudah lihatkan diri,
sinar memanaskan kaki,
cepat ku tarik ia,
tangan erat memeluk lutut,
sebab aku mahu ini,
rasa sejuk gigil ini,

disini lah tempat aku rindu,
selalu.

the calmness, the mighty tranquility

this is my favorite part,
the fresh air that you breathed ,
the smell of humidity in the air,
the smell of the rain.
this where i always want to be,

you are my tree.my big strong tree.
who always cover me from the sun,
or sometimes the rain.

where i know I'll be safe, right here.
in your heart.

you are my tree.

anti-Depression

waahh, boleh tahan berhabuk belog sy nih.
mmg busy nowadays, what to do kan?
tp harini, mlm ni,yg esoknye ptg ade test catalyst & catalysis ni, harus aku menulis something.
sebab ini anti-depression aku,

kenapa?
stress and depress saya dah melambung2, kalau plant ni mmg dah kena shut down,
because it might blow up and hurt people around it.

bermula dari segala2 projek, assignment, thesis, test yg datang tak putus2 dari hari pertama,
rasanya harini kemuncak segala nya, ditambah hati merajuk dgn cinta yang sebulan lamanya tak berjumpa,
kemuncak itu semakin memuncak2.

dan harini saya nekad mahu paksa technician lab overtime esok from 6 pm-10 pm,
because i really need to finish running all my samples.
sesampai di lab tadi, i felt lost at a moment,
knowing that the syringe used to inject the sample broke, today!
today yang lusanya perlu aku submit final report thesis.
i'm so dead!
so so dead..
waaaaaaaaa
stressssssssss
en.mus dah agree to do the overtime, but the thing is the syringe mana mau korek weiii,
tomorrow hopefully the new syringe yang dah diorder tu sampai,
that's all i can do now,
hoping and praying hard that, everything would be okay.
anti-depression.

i wish today is the next monday,
monday segala kerja dan amanah insyaAllah sudah selesai semuanya,
plus tomorrow my bucuk datang til monday,
then i should be doing just fine,
saya tak boleh jadi gila sekarang,
belum masanya,
kalau gila sejuta kali pun, kerja takkan selesai,

plus this is the one and only semester i would be spending time here in UiTM,
saya harus boleh buat semua ini, bak kata Dr.Norhuda,
biar tak tido siapkan kerja walaupun payah,
sebab payah itu hanya sekali, dan sekali itu sahaja.
dari main2, lepas tu ulang benda yang sama,
maaflah, tapi aku tak sanggup!

saya tahu dia kemari bukan saya sebab pertama nya,
MOTO GP/ VALENTINO ROSSI sebab atas saya,
datang kl dapat jumpa saya is just a bonus for him,
tanya dia berapa minggu lepas saya harus pilih antara nombor 4 @6,
saya pilih 9, because that is my fav number,
katanya ,no, only 4 @6,
saya pilih 6, sebab bentuknya hanya terbalik 9,
perlu apa nombor tu?
nak buat baju,
konon2 macam kapel's shirt whateva kan,
sebab 46 itu nombor motornye valentino rossi,
jadi saya harus jalan di bahu kanannya,
so the number is 46, not 64.
dan selama kapel dgn die xpernah saya jalan berpegangan tangan dgn dia dgn tgn kiri,
sgt kekok,
jadi saya pilih no 4.

saya sudah boleh imagine teriknya matahari di sepang waktu itu,
panas panas panas,
dan sebab memang saya ni bukan yg tahan panas,
rasa mahu tarik diri,
tapi beria nya dia tak mungkin saya runtuhkan,
saya iyakan saja,
tapi semalam cakapnya tak mahu pergi pula.
just want to spend the time with me,
bukan kalau pergi ttp spend time with me jugak kan?
dan jarang nya peluang going somewhere or doing something different than watching movie and eating,
saya paksa dia pergi, i want to spend time with him enjoying life,
peluang bukan selalu datang kan?

wah, hati dah count down hari dia datang,
rindu yang dah put away dulu ini dah melimpah2,
what i miss the most is the smell of his skin.
tambah2 dgn perfume maskulin dia tu,
dan saya sgt tak suka kalau jalan terserempak dgn org yg pakainya sama perfume dgn dia,
rasa nak ambik tiket balik time tu jugak!
huh..

anyway, i havent sleep yet since yesterday,
i think i'll go for a nap dulu before start bombing my head with the notes for test tmrw.
vielgluck sabby!

p/s: sakit bahu..adeiii

tak tahu mane silap nya

1. tak tahu mane silap nya

hari raya tahun ini sgt hambar bg saya.ramadhan yang datang pun sgt cpt terasa berlalu.
mungkin sebab awal2 dah tahu one of my brothers and kaklong were'nt going back for hari raya.

so, the mood is not there. atau mungkin sebab saya demam menjelang malam raya kedua menyebabkan saya tak mampu nak pergi ke open houses yang berderet. open houses and weddings.
waah,dgr je aku rasa penat and panas.
atau kerja2 uni yang berlambak-lambak membuatkan aku tak ada mood untuk raya
1. thesis (experiment & writing) belom siap
2.malam pra-graduan for ethics
3.petrochemical day on 7th oct.
4.placement for industrial training yang tak dapat2 lagi.

semua ni memang buatkan aku hilang mood lah nak raya.
otak serabut gle fikir benda2 ni.
so, sekarang aku try imagine betapa lega aku rasa nanti on end of nov:
1.bila thesis dah siap
2.bila ethics dah abis
3.bila petcehem day dah over
4.bila dah dapat placement for industrial training.

sumpah time tu aku nak pergi bercuti puas2..
and for the upcoming Hari Raya Haji, abg and kaklong have promise to come home because this year the qurban will be held at our house,usually we'll do it at pak ngah house..so..yeay!!!

2.tak tahu mane silap nya

tadi selepas ambil gambar ramai2 dgn budak kelas untuk malam pra-graduan nanti, ada lah sorang kawan ni tanya aku..

die: sab. betul ke (dgn muke serba salah+ tersengih2)
sab:ape yang betul? (walaupun dalam hati aku dah boleh agak ape yg die tny)
die: betul ke aku dengar kau dah brek-up?
sab: sambil tergelak2, hurmmm,sape yang menyebarkan kontroversi neh?
die: budak2 ni cakap aizat break-up lepas tuh die dengar pulak kau break-up.
sab: aku tak pernah pon cakap kat sape2 or ape2 yang aku dah break-up.haih
so,aku tak break up lah

aku pelik sgt apasal la nak heboh2 sangat aku or aizat or sape2 yang break-up ke, tak ke..
takde kaitan ngn korang lah.tapi biasalah, mulut orang bukan boleh tutup ngn kuali.
benda ni tercetus bila aku tukar status kat fb jadi single..so,fb aku,suka hati lah..

aku tak kisah kalau2 kawan rapat aku tanya,because they do care, tapi ini yg tak ade kene-mengena nih,mak haih,ishhh..melampau.

but whateva lah kan. aku bukan kisah sgt orang nak cakap pasal aku.even, masa kawan aku kat sekolah dulu buat cerita pasal aku dah tak virgin pon,aku relax jer..

(sebab die tak ade kat depan aku, kalau tak memang sedap lah kena hambur dgn aku)

3.tak tahu mane silapnya

hari raya tahun ini aku tak ke kubur mak,pa,atuk,nenek.
sume tak pegi..apa nak jadi ni..it feels weird..tapi i promise next time aku balik mesti pergi ziarah..
sepatutnye pergi ziarah masa pegi rumah pak ngah, tapi hari raya pertama agak kelam kabut nak balik rumah sebab parents tunang kakak aku nak datang rumah.hishh


4.Aku teringin sgt nak beraya kat kampung, rumah kayu,ada sawah padi, ada lembu kerbau..
sebab aku tak pernah ada kampung, rumah akulah kampung anak2 buah aku..

dan betul aku teringin nak beratur pagi raya, salam dgn orang tua, minta ampun maaf. sebab aku tak pernah buat macam tu.family aku tak amalkan macam.. maybe because kitorang bukan jenis yang open up to your feelings macam tu kan.. cukup aku cakap kalau aku mahu nangis di depan kakak aku pun,aku cukup malu.. nampak macam hopeless and so weak..

this trait memang dari ayah, he'll never ever shows his weaknesses in front of others(especially his kids).

aah, aku rindu papa..
bukan tak rindu mak, tapi aku terlalu kecil masa mak pergi.
kejam kalau aku cakap aku dah lupa perasaan ada ibu macam mana.
but that's the way i feels.
tapi tak bermakna aku tak sayang mak.

p/s: ini entry time ponteng kelas.hehe

yes,i choose him over u

yes,
it is..
i choose him over u ..
again..
well, u're the one who want so much to think like that,
then,i'll let u be..
because u know what,
screw u!

u're just the pain in the ass.