sweet memories

hi..

today i want to talk about my mom n my dad.

now if i see my friends with their mothers, i don't feel sad or lost because my mom died when i was 9..

i feel fine..
really

because i don't ,u know, show emotions or cry publicly..

private things like that, is to be keep just for myself..

it doesn't mean i don't love her..
it just that i forgot how it feels to have a mother..

i do love her of course..
but the impact was not as catastrophic as when my dad died..

i was CRUSHED..
everything fell apart..

i was so broken that i want to die with him..
seriously..

and my sister almost quit her study ..

it was three month before SPM comes..
that is why i didn't do so well back then..
because i lost the person who meant everything to me..

i'm kind a A straight student,
kind a.. u c..
i study so hard not because i loovee to study..
believe me i don't.
but because i want him to be proud of me..

because i love my dad..
soo much that me and my sisters devoted our life to him..

so, when he died, everything fell apart..
so broken inside i can't even tell..

i was planning to get straight A's for my SPM so that i will have the opportunity to further my study overseas,
cause i know that is what my father always wanted..
but when he's gone, that dream sound like so impossible..

until now, it still so hard for me to just remember him, without tears streaming down my face..

because he is my everything, my dad..

i can't stand people who does not appreciate or say something bad to their parents, that is just not right..

because i promise you people, when they are gone, you will regret every little bad things you once said to them, or did to them..

............................

i remember that night, 070197,
the night that my mother had her last breath..

i saw her in my dream, that night,
but i know it was not like a normal dream,
i know it is real..

i was sitting at the edge of the bed, holding some toy in my hands..
she's sitting beside me..
she said that 'na, mulai hari ni na kena jaga diri sendiri, sebab mak dah takde, mak dah meninggal'
and i said; takpe lah mak, mak meninggal hari ni, nanti esok mak datang lah balik'
and she said ' mak dah meninggal, mak takkan datang balik dah'

and when i look up to her, she was gone..
i cry so hard that my dad wakes me up..

and days after that i keep crying asking where my mom is..
and each time, my dad will start crying too..

one day i decided that i won't cry ever again. because it will just broke my dad's heart..
and it broke my heart to see him like that..

that is why i don't cry publicly..

..........................................................

when my dad spent his few last days lying on the hospital's bed, in coma,
i pray to God that if it is better for him to go,
HE better take him..
i will let go...
never in my whole life i prayed that,
cause he's been in ICU too many times..
when i got my UPSR's result, i whisper to him that i got 5A's
i whisper in his ear, because he was in coma,

and i studied at his hospital's bed when i'm taking PMR..

that was my rough days..
i'll go straight to hospital after school, everyday..

until the day he died.
.........................................

i'm sad..

now..
what am i doing with my life?
empty..
nothing..
sad huh?