Strength vs Weakness

I always put myself in troubles because of my soft heart. I may not be the soft-spoken type of person. But I can ensure you that I have a soft heart. Ah

I can be mad, angry and wants to kill you in one second, then I'll feel bad and guilty  in the next second.

It is rather challenging because people/friends/family tends to look at you as the weak creature that easily get bullied by others or perhaps by them.

Oh yes, I have been bullied by my sisters as long I can remember back in where I was a kid.

But I just grew out of it.

A friend would always say "Ala, you/kau memang..bla bla bla..."

Well it hurts actually when someone said that, it makes me feels so small. And I would with all my might try to be "bigger" and be more "hard".

Well, that days is over.

I now, accept who I am, it is how I was build, it is how God has made me.

I'll deal with the guilt and regret but for now, that is it. I would rather not change.

It may be my weakness, but it is also my strength. Oh talking about how easily I forgive peoples in my life with just a single "sorry".

:)

 Ah, soft heart.

Hate

My sister is at Koh Lipe at this moment having the best moments in her life.
And I hate her.

Just maybe

Ya Allah,

Sesungguhnya yang memegang hati dia itu hanyalah engkau.

Dan selalu sahaja aku berdoa agar kau ubah hati dia.

Dan terkadang aku lupa bahawa

Sesungguhnya yang memegang hati aku juga hanyalah engkau.

Maybe, just maybe, hati aku yang perlu berubah.

Dan hanya padamu aku meminta pertolongan.

020910 :)

Love makes you do stupid things. So, they say.
But you know what? It is worst than that.

It is hard to describe exactly  what it is.
It is almost a miracle.
How is this feeling makes your chest feels tight, put a smile on your face without you even realise it.
Makes you do stupid things.
Or worst.

Allah is awesome. My God is awesome. He creates feelings. Love.
Love is in fact, well awesome.

Lost-by Miss Aida

You won’t call. 

You never do. 

To you the incident was trivial, inconsequential; one of those silly feminine moments that seemed slightly overemotional. In your mind, it was something that would blow over quickly. Something that didn’t warrant your attention. 

So you don’t call. 

She won’t show you her tears. 

She never does. 

To her, it is almost a battle – a show of weakness almost, and her pride won’t let her cry in front of you. She walks away instead and she feels like she’s being pushed away. Like she’s something trivial, inconsequential – just another moment in which she felt unloved. 

But she does cry over all those things that you felt didn’t warrant your attention, tears of frustration more than anything else. 

She won’t show you her tears. 

So you go on, as does she, and one day the balance will splinter. Those small things will add up. She will realize that she deserves someone who is worth her tears. You will realize that somewhere along the line, both of you stopped communicating. And so it ends, in the way that so many other love stories have ended before. 

A battle lost.

link: http://www.acekrusher.blogspot.com/

It is like my soul speaking through her language.

Tinggal.

Jangan biar kesombongan membunuhmu,
Kelak yang tinggal hanya hati yang mati.

LOVE

Assalamualiakum,

Alhamdulillah, I think this is the first time I have ever start my post with a Salam.

Well, it is Ramadhan again, I am grateful to Allah that He still love me and give me the opportunity to experience yet another blessed and blissful Ramadhan.

As long as I can write, I will write in this blog, eventhough it is not frequent. I am not sure using the word "write" is right, but you got what I mean right ;) .

Ramadhan this time is somewhat very special to me. The first day alone was , erm how should I put it, "tough".

And it is not tough because of the lack of food and water in my system, it is mentally tough. I am not sure if that makes sense.
Being hit with a massive headache/migraine really affected my fasting on the first day since all I was able to do was sleep. Don't even ask how did I got myself a massive migraine, I might have triggered it myself from the endless crying. Well, that is not to be discussed here. :p

I have been longing to write, but then I felt that I literally almost did not have time for myself, let alone, actually spending a generous amount of time to blog. So, i skipped, and skipped.

Ok,

I have been struggling with some issues with myself lately. Having to decide what I want/want to do is actually hard than having to decide what to have for breakfasting today (Muslim's dilemma every Ramadhan). I have been thinking about "covering up" starting this year's Ramadhan's, I want to do it, but I may not be 100% ready, I should it but I am still enjoying all the non-Islamic clothing. I don't know, really. Why is it so damn hard to decide about covering up? It is a good thing though, wait it is the RIGHT thing to do. Why am I having this dilemma? It is really that hard to just put a cloth on your head to cover your hair? Is it?
YES. it is. Because covering up does not mean that you put a piece of cloth on your head to cover your hair, it is more than that, it is about not showing ANY part of your body to the Mahram for except your face and palms.

That is a big step, 90% of my clothes now in not going to deliver the covering up part. And I am frustrated about that. Your feet is aurat, your body SHAPE is aurat, your VOICE is aurat.

IT IS HARD.

You know what will be worth all the HARDship just to cover your aurat? Allah's blessing, HIS approval, if you do it because you are afraid of the sins granted to you, yes you are doing it for the RIGHT thing, not because of what people will say, not because of my parent ask me to, not because I look pretty and fashionable in that fancy colourful scarf.

And it is sad because I am not ready yet to give up my skirts, my dresses, my pants for Allah's approval.

Would you guys pray for me please.?


Ramadhan here you come again,
Thank you for not abandoning me,
Save me from this pain,
As I was so lost in finding thee,

Ya Allah,
Open my heart for your hidayah,
As my heart is thick with sins,
It is your love I should be chasing,
Not the human temporary compliments.

Amin.

This is (not) me talking

There are so many a normal human can take.

You know that too much of anything can be harmful right.

As if now I felt that my job is finally taking toll on me.

For 4 consecutive weeks I spend 10-12 hours additional time working finally get to me.

So I think the 4 days weekend+Emergency leave+Labour's day is sufficient for my sanity to be restored.

And I plan to go back home since the last time I was home was during the Chinese New Year holiday.

 Which is like 3+ months ago. Gile lama kau tak balik tahap boleh jatuh title anak derhaka!

Sooo, I was excited/dying to go back because I really do miss home sooooo much.

BUT

My car broke down on Saturday and the engine was unable to be started for nearly 2 days. :(

There goes my overtime money WHICH I plan to use for the fuel+service for my car, but instead I ended up spending it on a new alternator + bla bla bla. :(   hate!!!

And today is Wednesday and I am working,

And still feeling so down.

Tomorrow is the last working day for this week meaning I only need to work for only 2 days!!! 

Friday is Wesak (another Public Holiday)

Yea, 

So :D

:(

Hati haru biru
Bila teringatkan kamu
Sudah tentu
Kerna aku di sini dan kamu di situ

Luluh jantungku
Tidur malam berteman rindu
Pagi hening bersulam sendu
Kerna dipisah beribu batu

Sabarlah hati
Sabarlah sayang
Moga kekasihmu
Malamnya berteman rindu
Paginya bersulam sendu

Yang meninggalkan itu sakit
Yang ditinggalkan itu perit
Ini dugaan-Nya yang kecil
Apa kamu begitu pengecut

Kalau dulu hilangnya ibu
Bisa diredha
Kalau dulu hilangnya bapa
Bisa di terima

Bukankah yang memegang hati manusia itu adalah Dia?
Balaslah dengan sabar
Ujian sebesar selumbar

Today is the 19th of April 2012.
Marks the 7th year, 1 day, anniversary of my relationship with him.
And today is Thursday, that means I am Working today. So was yesterday.
No any kind of celebration / romantic dinner or whatsoever.And yet this morning he left for Phuket, obviously without me cause I am working. Damn it

If only I was a little heartless to left office with a little bunch of work to go to Phuket with him. Sigh.
I was never good at that. But I was mentally plotting a revenge scene in my head actually, WHICH will make him regrets the decision he make today. *Evil laughs in mind*

Anyways,
It's been long long long time since the last time this blog is updated.
Since I have started working here in May 2011, time isn't a luxury anymore.
Even on weekends I do not have time to update the blog/ or do anything.
Well, I only writes when I am inspired by something/someone.

There are a lot of things going on right now. Saving money like crazy for Bangkok and Bintulu trips in May, a good/crazy friend of mine is getting married in June. Mizah is getting engaged in June.Torn between going back KB for Seri's solemnization and Mizah's engagement. AAArrrrrrrr

From the conversation with a colleague that happen last week, changed my mind about the idea I have in mind to leave my current company, it's not that I have been searching for a new job or anything, it is just a plan. I am itching to go offshore, but it is just not the right time yet, according to our client of course. Maybe in the near future , InsyaAllah.

You know what,
I feels so blessed and grateful for everything that happen in my life.
Because through the up and  down, we learn a lot.
Like really a lot but it is just that we failed to notice.
You'll learn
whom to trust,
what not to expect,
who you could actually trust,
family over anything,
time over money,
and so on.

I have met many new friends/people that are interesting, boring, narcissistic, adventurous, sarcastic, mind blowing,you name it.
Work taught me about patient, hope, self-defense, positive attitude, strong and to have faith.
Faith is awesomezing. When you have faith, you ain't afraid of anything, you believe in yourself and people around you, you believe that what goes around comes back around, you'll know where to stop, you know who had your back.

Most importantly, you know that The Almighty is always always always with you in any circumstances, everytime you are hurt, everytime when you lost hope, everytime when you lost strength, everytime you miss your parent, everytime when crying is the only way to sooth out the pain, everytime when you are in doubt, and everytime you are in love. He is with you when you believe.

Thank you for always have my back, thank you giving me life, thank you for choosing me to be one of your believer.For that, I am most grateful.

Material Lover

1. Macbook Air 13 inch.

2. I am the new Nikon 1.
                                                                          V 1

                                                                             J 1

                                                                             Die Die.
3. Sime Darby Houses
                                                             Paloma - Bandar Bukit Raja

                                             
                                                                    Indigo - USJ Heights

                                                                                         Fern Lane - Denai Alam

                                                                        Die now. Haih
4. Yoga

Errkkk?

Yoga Dogs? Not so much.

What's left of me.

It's fourth January 2012.
Second day of work in the new year.
First post on the blog.

Kara's gone.
One less colleague.
Kind of hard since I really got fond of her.
She's funny.
 Funny people always get a place in my heart.

I almost feel whole again.
Like when I was a kid.
So confident with all the love she have/get.
I love my parents so so much.

So when they ..left.
I broke.
Real hard.

Started to build all the wall around,
Being so careful not to be attached,
So it would be easier when they left.
You know that nothing last forever right?